Portrait of an Emotional Abuser: The Judge and Jury

All of us can probably think of a person who acts as if he or she is the sole judge and jury for making decisions. Akin to the person who is always right, the judge-and-jury abusers allow no opposition to their will.

The judge-and-jury abusers not only make the decisions, they also make the laws. What might be a reason for doing something on Monday may cease to be a reason on Tuesday. A decision doesn't necessarily need to be "right" as long as it fills their needs in other ways. They are not as concerned with the process of the decision as they are with the outcome of the decision - which is to have happen what they want done.

The right or wrong of what judge-and-jury abusers decide is irrelevant. To them, the most important thing is their position, to be in control of the people around them. It is their call to make, whether good or bad. Others are to obey them, not because they have rendered a good decision, but because they are the authority.

In healthy parent-child relationships, children have to learn to obey their parents' decisions, often without total understanding of why those decisions are made.

Small children learn that adults are authority figures who need to be obeyed. A toddler shouldn't stop to question an adult decision that he get out of the street. Such obedience can be very important for the safety of the child, especially if a car is traveling in his direction. However, the judge-and-jury abusers us the obedience of others not for good or safety but for their own comfort or control.

The power to demand obedience is a great responsibility. When we obey others, we submit to their will above our own. Therefore, this power should be used sparingly and only with the other person's best interests in mind. Power should never be misused for personal comfort, gain, or control.

The above is excerpted from chapter 4 in Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Dr. Gregory Jantz.