Parenting a Teenager: The Contest of Wills

Editor's note: Today, we debut a blog by Gregory Jantz, the owner of The Center: A Place of Hope in Edmonds.

As a professional counselor for well over 25 years, I've devoted a good portion of my practice to working with teenagers. I've found them to be amazingly forthright and courageous, while at the same time vulnerable and confused. Often, they are doing what seems best to them to address their situation. Unfortunately, they often turn to risky and destructive behaviors as coping strategies through this turbulent time. When these coping behaviors end up taking on an ugly life of their own, the roller-coaster ride turns very dangerous. It doesn't have to be this way.

Teenagers are on the cusp of their future. They're still grounded in childhood but can esaily see adulthood just off in the distance. They're chomping at the bit to grow up and dragging their feet at the same time. Teenagers are on a mission toward that adulthood in the distance; they just need help navigating the path. You can't take the steps for them, but you can help make the way clearer. It's important to their development that they navigate this journey well and on their own, supported by you.

Detours at this age have long-range consequences. Closing the bedroom door - either as the teen or as the parent - on the problem isn't going to make it go away. As a parent, you need to be ready to assist, even if your teen insists he or she absolutely does not want your help. This isn't meddling' it's parenting.

Because teenagers see themselves differently and consequently see parents differently, your commitment to your teen's future is more complicated.

When he stubbed his toe on the sidewalk curb at four and half, a kiss, a hug, and a cartoon Band-Aid did the trick. When he stubs his heart on his first romantic rejection, it's a little more complicated.

When she refused to like the outfit you picked out for her at five, you had others to choose from. When she refuses to like herself at 13, it's a little more complicated.

When it became a contest of wills with him at eight, you could win and still get a hug at the end of the evening. When it's a contest of wills at 15 and there's no way he's prepared to give in to you at all, it's a little more complicated.

When she was 10 and you wanted to spend time together, there was nothing she wanted to do more. When she's 16 and you want to spend time together and she just looks at you with shocked disbelief and adopts a when-hell-freezes-over expression, it's a little more complicated.

Each phase of life has its own challenges. Parenting has never been for the weak-stomached (especially during the early years), the fainthearted, or the halfway committed. It can be tempting to take a backseat when your kid hits the teen years, figuring you've done the bulk of your work and can just coast into his or her adulthood on all your previous parenting momentum. You're older, more tired, and your less-than-active participation in their lives pretty much seems what teenagers want anyway. It's tempting, yes, but don't give in. You're still the parent; you're still the adult, and you still have work to do.

Even if it doesn't seem that way, your teenager desperately longs to be connected to you. He or she needs (notice I didn't say wants) your acceptance, acknowledgment, and approval. No matter how much they argue to the contrary, teenagers - including yours - do not have life figured out yet. They don't need you to live their lives for them, but they do need your guidance and your support, even when that's the furthest thing from their minds and hearts.

And when that roller coaster goes off track, teenagers need someone to notice and take immediate steps to get things on the right path. Partnering together with your teenager to successfully navigate adolescence is one of the hardest things you'll ever do. It also has the outrageous potential to be the most rewarding.

The above is excerpted from Chapter 1 of my new book, The Stranger in Your House. I'll be posting more excerpts from it here in the weeks to come, but you can receive a free copy of the book itself between now and December 15, 2011. To participate in this book giveaway, simply share some of your own thoughts or experiences about raising teenagers in the comments section of this or future blog posts about the book.