Post-It Illuminations

Words are power.

I try to constantly weave this idea into the English classes I teach at Meadowdale High School. I want it to take root. We express our truths and our stories in words. We communicate our thoughts and beliefs. We paint our pictures.

I don’t know if communication through words with your teenager is as arduous for you as sometimes it proves to be for me. I venture to guess that it is. My questions are generally greeted with one-word answers. Our “conversations” tend to be laconic from his side. I realize this is developmental, but I yearn to know what he’s thinking.

When I first created this classroom activity, I didn’t realize how powerful and insightful it would prove to be for me as a parent. The goal was simple: To have my students communicate anonymously with their parents who would be visiting my classroom that evening for high school curriculum night.

It was a quick warm-up. I handed out post-its to all of my students and asked them to finish this statement: "Dear Mom and Dad, I wish I could tell you … ." They were then asked to stick their responses to the community wall poster provided.

Seeing the final result was eye-opening. At times, the responses were hard to swallow. At times they were a pat on the back; how odd for me to take the replies so personally when my child wasn’t even involved in the activity. However, the honesty with which my students approached the task allowed me to hear my own teenaged son expressing.

Perhaps, like me, you will also be reminded of the power of words, though they may not specifically be from your own child. The teens who participated in the activity are in ninth and 12th grade. Here is a sampling of their responses:

"Dear Mom and Dad,

I wish I could tell you …

-          You make me feel like I need to be perfect when I’m not.

-          How much I care about you even though I rarely show it.

-          I’m trying really hard in school; be proud of me.

-          I think more about my decisions than you probably think.

-          You don’t understand me.

-          Don’t pressure me about grades.

-          I have no friends.

-          I’m growing up and I deserve more freedom.

-          You need to chill about work and not worry so much.

-          I’m freaking out about the future.

-          The military is where I want to be.

-          I’m scared to go off to college.

-          You are wrong a lot.

-          What I really did this last weekend.

-          I’m bisexual, but you won’t treat me the same.

-          I don’t think you prepared me for the future.

-          That you expect too much of me.

-          That I know you did the best you could.

-          Just because I go to my friend’s house a lot it doesn’t mean I hate our house and am embarrassed by you.

-          About my depression and how unsure I am about life.

-          High school has changed in the past few years and it’s harder than you expect. Every once in a while even if I bring home a “C” I want to hear a “Good job, I’m proud of you.”

-          I hate my life.

-          That I feel so lucky that you’re my parents and I love you very much, but you need to treat me like my real age and trust me.

-          I’m not a virgin.

-          I wish I could tell you how much you’ve helped me find my way, and how much I appreciate it.

-          Getting good grades is not as easy as I make it look, there’s a lot of effort that goes into it.

-          Thanks!"

These statements offer lessons for all of us who have teenagers in our lives. Words are power because they engender the roots that breed understanding. It’s up to us as the adults to create nurturing sunlight to allow the words to grow into true communication.

In my students' words, I see a sincere need to hear “I’m proud of you,” and a craving to know that they are loved unconditionally. Do we say those words enough? Are we validating the message that it’s OK to be scared and uncertain? Perhaps that is the fertile environment that needs to be cultivated first in order to coax more words out of our teens so that we can help them carry the burdensome load of growing up.   

Look for more “Post-It Illuminations” on my forthcoming blog.